Say "I Know You...and I Love You Still" to Your Spouse
“Honey, could you pick up some ____ at the store and, oh, you’re SO virile.” Sometimes husband and wife just need to make the occasion for the message to come across correctly.
Words spoken during the heat of the moment (whether in romantic frenzy, passionate anger at the kids or...) ring differently from reflected, posed feedback. The former easily rolls off of my tongue. The second may be more important because it requires concerted effort.
Go for the important and grow in intimacy with your spouse. Download the Couples Love Talk for inspiration and to note the feedback for future encouragement.
The Couples Love Talk allows each partner
- to captivate the other with something they do well and that sustains the attraction
- to encourage the other with one area for growth.
“I don’t have the time.”
My husband and I exchanged thoughts on the ski lift. (Don’t kill romance. Tuck the cheat sheet out of the way. Who can write in ski gloves anyway?!) Do you eat? Enjoy a meal and talk for two. Do you drive? Get side by side for the length of a car ride. Time is usually not the issue.
Procrastination Excuse I: The Fear of Exposure
Probably like many of you, I do not relish exposing my weaknesses. (Oops, they’re exposed daily! Admitting them is what’s tough.) Gordon and Gail MacDonald (both authors) share their lessons on growing in intimacy through transparency (letting loved ones see our ugly side.) “Where there is transparency, there can be enormous growth….They help complete our thoughts, balance our extremes, and correct our miscalculations.”
“Don’t ask advice if you won’t take it. If you ask and I reply the brown shoes look better, don’t wear the black one when we go out!” I was blind to my behavior. It created havoc for more than the shoes. My husband’s observation freed us from unnecessary tension. I only ask when I’m ready to comply
Procrastination Excuse II: The Thrill of Problem Solving
Stephen Covey (7 Habits of Highly Effective People) points to the adrenalin rush of solving urgent problems. There is a sense of accomplishment. What’s exciting about folding laundry on time? Digging through the mound to find a matching pair of socks before going to work is hectic, but at least it gets recognition. The less-stressed-more-satisfied people AND families invest in urgency-prevention so that they have the time to enjoy recreation and relationships asserts Covey.
In a sense, it is an issue of time. By avoiding superfluous tension through our couple feedback, we more easily make the time.
Covey’s Time Management Matrix…à la our family Urgent Not Urgent Important Crises (hospital trips, many meetings with teachers, finding matching socks in a rush…) Not Important Interruptions (phone calls from friends, favorite TV shows…) Busy Work & Time Wasters (Sudoku and making jams) My favorite combo: cool and collected thoughts peppered with those when we're hot!
Covey’s Time Management Matrix…à la our family
Crises (hospital trips, many meetings with teachers, finding matching socks in a rush…)
Interruptions (phone calls from friends, favorite TV shows…)
Busy Work & Time Wasters (Sudoku and making jams)
My favorite combo: cool and collected thoughts peppered with those when we're hot!
Heart Connections: Growing Intimacy in Your Marriage and Family
The MacDonald's lost and rebuilt intimacy and share how.
Mom's Family Calendar
If time slips by, fix a hot date on the calendar.